Yesterday meant so much to me. Lots of things fell into place to help me see that it’s finally time to say good-bye to old pains that have been going on for 4 years. I will not include the names of the people from my past out of respect for all parties involved. Those who know me will know whom I’m speaking about anyway.
Yesterday, November 1, 2012 James and I hit our 4 month anniversary. Wow how time flies eh? After 4 years I never thought I’d find the happiness I once had. We just fit together in so many ways. Yes, we have our arguments, fights or whatever you want to call them, but we don’t just ignore them and hope they work themselves out. After some yelling, cursing and ignoring each other for a few hours we work things out the best we can. Second to my kids, James is the light of my life. It’s because of him that I’m ready to do this.
I was married once before to someone I loved very much. We were great online friends and even great partners for the first couple of years, but something changed. I started seeing the real person behind who I married. I’m not going into all the details, because that’s not what this is for. It’s not a bitch session, but needless to say by August of 2008 I finally had enough of things that were going on. Things that he was doing inside the relationship and things that I ignored and did myself was just not getting better and it was time to go. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do or where I was going to go, but I just knew we didn’t belong together any longer. It wasn’t good for us or for the kids involved.
Well, November 1, 2008 things took a turn for the worse and things were done that I will never ever forgive. I’m letting go of the hatred I have, but I can’t let go of all of what I feel. Some things were said about me, nasty ones that caused me to lose 2 extremely important things to me, my children. Even 4 years later there’s no way in hell that due to the parties involved they will be with me again. One party is jus so damn evil and mean and the other honestly I’m not sure. I just feel that with them even though we talk it’s also a closed door. I could be wrong there, *shrugs* Anyways, it’s that thought that keeps me hurting 4 years later. Well, one thing anyway.
For months after this I cried, was in a serious state of depression and entered my suicidal state. Just hearing my ex’s name or reading it or anything that reminded me of him would set me off. Not being able to hold my kids tore me apart.
Two things happened at once that brought me out of that stage. One was that my ex told me that all our marriage was to him was a piece of paper. The second was that he already had someone else months after our life ended. So to me that just showed me that I didn’t mean much to him anyway. Yes, I did things to in the relationship that weren’t great, but they were always in response to what he did, but no one ever wanted to see that. I was the outsider and he was the one that could do know wrong. Still to this day he acts the same. Despite all that I stil care for him and do wish him the best and hopes that he found happiness in the person he’s with now. Yes, that’s the too nice me speaking, but it’s true.
Anyways, after that revolution I took time to myself. I didn’t want a serious relationship. I didn’t want anyone extremely close to my heart. I went back and forth with someone, but he drove me nuts more so than not and isn’t worth my time or blog space to write about.
I needed time to heal just a bit and figure out who the hell I was and wanted to be and where I was going. I needed to try and fix my life or get it back before I screwed up someone elses.
Fast forward to May of this year. I met James, the nut I’m now living with and though what I felt for him when I first met him scared the living hell out of me and I tried to hide it from myself. In the end, he stole my heart and I’m right where I should be.
So, to the person I once loved and the person I was before I say good-bye. To the hatred I once had I say good-bye. Maybe one day all of the pain that came with that time I can say good-bye to as well.
On to my new life with James and our family to be.
Cat
Part of healing James is no when to let go and admitting that. At least to myself that is. If he never sees this post I don’t care, but I got the wurst of it out of my system and now that part of my life, my ex is my past.
It will always hurt where my kids are concerned, but the hate I felt then is not part of that now.
Cat
Hey you. Don’t worry so much about saying goodbye to anything. You deal with it the way you know how. And, hell, it’s worked for you to this point. It won’t be easy. At times it won’t even be pretty. But the thing you absolutely have to take away from the last 4 months is this. *You* aren’t going to fix you. *You* aren’t going to put all of this back where it belongs. And *you* aren’t going to pick up the pieces and show you how this kind of thing should be. *We* are.